


from what i remember

by gyozas



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Light Angst, M/M, Memories, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Non-Linear Narrative, Post-Break Up, Post-Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-04
Updated: 2019-02-04
Packaged: 2019-10-22 03:58:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17655653
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gyozas/pseuds/gyozas
Summary: At the time, Kihyun worried if Hoseok found out what Kihyun really thought of him. He wasn’t afraid of getting hurt, just afraid of Hoseok’s rejection.





	from what i remember

**Author's Note:**

> it's been a minute !! school's been a lot to handle these days, so i write whenever i can. now here we are c:
> 
> for reference: the italicized text are memories // hope you enjoy!
> 
> whatever errors you find, do feel free to let me know !!! call me out and i will fix them aaa

It’s 1:30 in the morning and Hoseok’s phone rings. It’s Kihyun, so of course, he is going to answer.

“Hello?”

“Hi, are you Hoseok?” It’s not Kihyun. In the background of the stranger’s voice, though, Hoseok hears faint dance music.

“Yeah, it’s Hoseok. Why do you have Kihyun’s phone?

“I’m a bartender at Dixie’s, your friend here has gotten a little too drunk and I think he needs a ride home,” clarifies the bartender.

Promptly, Hoseok responds, “I’ll be there in 7 minutes.”

He makes a run to his apartment door, slipping on his carpet and crashing onto the floor. But there’s no time to fuss about the sharp pain in his knee, so he clumsily slips on his worn sneakers and heads out.

Hoseok makes it to the club in six minutes. He pushes his way through the crowd dancing to a heavy-bass EDM track and gets shoved around by the lot of them as well.

When Hoseok finally manages to escape the crazy scene, he finds a patch of purple hair and knows it's Kihyun. Hoseok could never forget that hair. Kihyun sits alone on a stool, leaning against the bar counter.

Kihyun, clearly in a drunken stupor, downs what seems to be his last shot of vodka.

Hoseok feels something inside of him twinge as he begins to walk towards Kihyun.

By chance, the purple-haired boy turns around and meets Hoseok’s eyes. Very drunk yet so delightedly, Kihyun slurs, “Hoseokie! You’re here!!” Hoseok smiles weakly as he sits down on a stool next to Kihyun. “Here I am.”

Hoseok watches Kihyun slip his eyes closed and rest his face on the cool surface of the bar countertop. Now tired, the purple-haired boy asserts, “I want to go home.”

Hoseok’s heart lurches for a quick second, thankful Kihyun wants to finally leave the place. He asks the latter, “Do you want me to take you back to your place?”

Sighing, Kihyun answers, “Not my place. I lost my key for it.” He pauses to open his eyes before adding, “I know, you must think I’m being foolish. I think so, too, for losing the key to my own home.”

Hoseok shakes his head, disagreeing. And then he remembers, “It’s okay, I have a key to your place. You made a copy for me.”

Kihyun is silent before he recognizes that memory of theirs, a cherishable moment from their before. Hoseok watches Kihyun smile to himself very cheesily before nodding. “Okay then, Hoseokie. Let’s go home.”

Hoseok melts a bit from hearing his nickname clearer, he feels his sharp edges soften up. He nods assuringly and reaches out for Kihyun’s hand, to which Kihyun slots his fingers in the crevices between Hoseok’s own.

_Hoseok thinks about how Kihyun’s hand fits his. He thinks of how right it felt to hold Kihyun’s hand amidst their established relationship back then. Back when they were in their fourth-year of college._

_He remembers holding the Kihyun's hand intimately to kiss the back of it. This was when they first met each other at a frat party. The two of them were very drunk then._

_Still, there was something lovely and real about holding Kihyun’s hands as they fucked that night. And continued to do for the next three months or so._  
  
  


 

When they slip outside of the club, Kihyun stumbles into Hoseok’s arms and everything about it is incredibly cringe-y and is nothing yet everything the former could ever ask for at this moment. Or maybe that's the alcohol speaking for itself.

“Sorry,” murmurs Kihyun as he clumsily picks himself up with Hoseok supporting him. Hoseok is kind when he responds, “You’re okay.”

The purple-haired boy lets Hoseok lead him, it’s better that way. He notices a change in Hoseok. It’s a new hair color, white.

_Kihyun recalls to when they were lying in bed, particularly Hoseok’s, and speaking freely and comfortably after the last day of midterms for the second semester._

_“I want to dye my hair a different color,” stated Kihyun. “This time I want to dye it purple.”_

_Hoseok had one arm thrown over Kihyun’s hip, letting the latter rest his head on the other arm. His eyes sparkled as a grin stretched across his lips. “If you dye your hair purple, then I will dye mine white.”_

_“Why white?” Kihyun asked. That’s when Hoseok scooted himself close and pulled Kihyun even closer to him._

_Hoseok inhaled deeply then breathed, “So that you can be the lavender in a bouquet, and I will be the baby’s breath that surrounds you.” He closed his eyes after and fell asleep, still holding Kihyun._

_Back then, Kihyun’s heart wasn’t supposed to flutter. It meant unwanted feelings progressing themselves further and further. But his heart fluttered anyway._

  
  


Hoseok sits Kihyun into the passenger seat of his car carefully.

Kihyun, drunk as ever, can hardly move and leans back into the seat to keep himself from falling forward. He feels Hoseok extend the seat belt over him with ears perking at the sound of the seat belt clicking.

Hoseok catches the moment and lets himself feel more ease, quietly laughing at Kihyun’s sensitivity to sound but really it’s endearing.

Hoseok moves to the driver’s seat swiftly after shutting the passenger door. He checks the time, it’s 2 am. A silence lingers over them after Hoseok starts the car and begins to drive.

At a red light, Kihyun speaks. His drunken state is still there seeing as to how he slurs many words together. Even so, Hoseok understands everything he says.

“Sorry, it’s so late. I would have called someone else, this must’ve been troublesome. This was very. Bad of me.”

Hoseok melts on the inside and outside, endeared at how Kihyun's thoughtfulness; his grip on the steering wheel loosens. He places his warm hand on top of Kihyun’s cold ones, hoping the latter would know that when it comes to Kihyun, nothing could ever be a trouble.

“It’s okay, Kihyun,” Hoseok reassures, “You don’t have to worry about bothering me ever.”

“You’re not gonna ask about me drinking this late?” Kihyun asks.

“That’s a conversation for later or when you feel comfortable about it. For now, let’s just go home. You’ve had a long day.” Hoseok removes his hand from Kihyun’s when the light turns green, he regrets removing it in the first place.

Hoseok looks at Kihyun in the corner of his view and sees the purple-haired boy sleeping. Relief washes over him as he continues to drive.

_Kihyun was always one to wear himself out. There would be times when it was unsettling for Hoseok to see the former doing so._

_They’ve only just graduated but Hoseok will never forget watching Kihyun study intensely or taking Kihyun home from 9-hour shifts on the weekends._

_He remembered Kihyun napping on his shoulder when the two were on the bus home from Hoseok’s work. Notebooks were ready to fall from Kihyun’s loosening grip, but Hoseok caught them_ _in time._

_Hoseok always told Kihyun to sleep with him. Sometimes they’d fool around in bed just to let go of whatever tension was knotting itself inside of them._

_But it was especially important (to Hoseok), to remind Kihyun to give himself a break. At Kihyun's apartment, they lied on Kihyun’s small couch. A little cramped, but nonetheless comforting and just what Kihyun needed._  
  
  


Hoseok wakes Kihyun gently when they reach Kihyun’s apartment residence. The white-haired boy asks Kihyun to get on his back, Kihyun can only say yes in his drowsy state.

Yet, somewhere along the way up the steps to Kihyun’s floor, Kihyun tightens his hold around Hoseok’s shoulders.

When Hoseok gets inside Kihyun’s apartment, he heads to Kihyun’s room immediately. Kihyun feels Hoseok crouch and hears the white-haired boy softly ask, “Kihyunnie? Can you let go so that I can tuck you in bed?”

At once, Kihyun lets go of Hoseok and falls back into the comfort of his bed. Kihyun’s body eases into the soft form of the bed, ready to let it swallow him whole.

Kihyun notices Hoseok taking off his buckled ankle boots for him, the sensation of his free toes overwhelmingly good. Not quite awake but still aware, Kihyun also notes how Hoseok lifts both of his legs and shifts them parallel to the bed.

_Kihyun is reminded of when Hoseok used to massage his shoulders and back._

_Standing in front of a cash register for nine-hours did take its toll on his back. That's why the best thing about leaving work was getting to see Hoseok, to leave that stupid thing._

_When they came home to Kihyun’s apartment and he would happily and purposefully fall into his couch, Hoseok would come over to knead the tension out of Kihyun’s shoulders. He’d press his fingers into Kihyun’s back and it always sent Kihyun to another world._

_Sometimes, Hoseok would kiss the smooth skin of Kihyun’s shoulders and occasionally brush his lips against Kihyun’s neck, whispering the sweetest compliments, the kindest reminders._

_Anything and everything to rekindle a fading warmth in Kihyun’s spirit._

_Then, there were times when Hoseok would tease Kihyun a bit. He used to tickle Kihyun’s sides to get a laugh out of them both. They’d share warm hugs and tender kisses when the ring of laughter dissolved away._

_All of that. It was too domestic._

  
  


The night lamp on Kihyun’s bedside table glows dimly, but it’s enough light for Hoseok to see Kihyun rest peacefully.

Kihyun abruptly opens his eyes to meet Hoseok. “Wait, Hoseok. It’s late but please don’t go yet?” asks Kihyun, so very quietly. Hoseok could never say no.

Hoseok sits on the floor, right by Kihyun’s side. But Kihyun reaches for Hoseok’s hand and requests, “Lie next to me.” Hoseok listens.

Hoseok climbs into the spot next to Kihyun. Wholeheartedly, he says, “I’m here, Kihyunnie.”

He watches the purple-haired boy scoot himself closer, then stopping when they’re mere inches away from each other.

Hoseok smells the alcohol all over Kihyun but he’s just glad Kihyun’s now home.

Kihyun looks beautiful here. Yes, he looks exhausted and possibly holding on to the last bits of being drunk, but here Kihyun is finally relaxed. There are no deep creases in his brow or tight lips from a hard-working day nor is there a clenched jaw.

With closed eyes, Kihyun breathes, “I missed you, hyung.”

Hoseok’s heart feels ready to crack from the overwhelming amount of love inside of it. He hears the blood rush in his ears as he asks, “Did you?”

“Mm,” Kihyun sighs, “I missed you a lot. But you’re here now and I’m so happy.”

Hoseok resists the strong urge to bring Kihyun into his arms. He lays his head on one arm, the other one having a difficult time to not pull Kihyun closer.

Kihyun’s eyes blink open weakly but manage to focus on Hoseok. The purple-haired boy begins to speak and Hoseok listens. Hoseok notices how Kihyun’s eyes avert elsewhere but his face when they look at each other for too long.

The purple-haired boy opens his mouth, wanting to speak yet no words come out. Hoseok is patient regardless.

Eventually, Kihyun comes around to talk. He stutters a bit, almost as though he were hesitant.

“I know we ended our relationship after college and maybe it’s a bit much of me to ask for anything crude right now but can I. Can I kiss you?”

That’s when Kihyun looks up into Hoseok’s eyes and an intense love rushes throughout Hoseok’s body. Kihyun waits for an answer, but Hoseok asks again to make sure. “Do you want to kiss me?”

“Yes,” Kihyun answers. He answers so affirmatively. “I want to kiss you.”

Again, Hoseok could never say no to Kihyun.

When Hoseok peers into Kihyun’s eyes, the former sees the relief and Hoseok remembers how pure Kihyun always was.

Kihyun kisses Hoseok and it’s hard not for the white-haired boy to lose his breath. Hoseok could taste the alcohol on Kihyun’s lip, but he isn’t phased by it. Not at all.

All of Hoseok’s senses are heightened, but he focuses on touch. Although, he hears the analog clock above the door to Kihyun’s room.

The kiss is smooth and Kihyun’s lips feel like velvet. The kiss turns soft when Kihyun prolongs it and brings a hand up to hold Hoseok’s heart.

Hoseok croons into the kiss, completely enamored, from Kihyun’s gesture. He brings a hand up to gently tuck Kihyun’s stray locks. He slides his hand down to rest on the purple-haired boy’s hip, fitting.

Yet something about their kiss is bittersweet. It sends a pang to Hoseok’s heart but he tries so desperately hard to ignore it.

_Hoseok looks back to when they used to lie in bed back at his apartment. There was this one instance when Kihyun laid on top of Hoseok, his ear right above Hoseok’s heart. This was a month and a half into their “contract”._

_“Hoseok,” Kihyun called._

_“Yes?”_

_“What we have right now, you’re okay with it? Just us fucking around?”_

_Of course, Hoseok was okay with it. But, he wasn’t sure if Kihyun felt or heard how his heart pounded a little faster when he thought about his true feelings._

_“Yeah I am,” replied Hoseok, “I couldn’t ask for nothing less or nothing more.”_

_Kihyun sat up and stared down at Hoseok. Kihyun’s gaze was sharp. Curious as well. Hoseok wished the former would move on to something else. To kiss him or let the two of them nap away because it was Saturday._

_But then Kihyun smiled with his eyes twinkling and Hoseok short-circuited. Kihyun was everything._

_“Good,” Kihyun said, “Because I really like that I’m with you. I want to kiss you now.”_

_It hurt to hear those words. Hoseok played it off well, though. He teased, “What are you waiting for?”_

  
  


Kihyun breaks the kiss realizing it went on for a little too long. “Sorry,” he breathed. Then with a little chuckle, “That was a little longer than expected.”

He looks at Hoseok and melts.

The white-haired boy is staring back and his expression is so … sincere. It makes Kihyun nervous.

Kihyun teeters between drunk and sober, but he doesn't ignore the butterflies in his stomach.

“It’s okay,” Hoseok whispers back, his voice always so reassuring. He doesn’t break his gaze with Kihyun. And Kihyun can’t find it within himself to look away.

Hoseok runs his free hand up Kihyun’s body and stops to hold Kihyun’s cheek. It’s too easy for Kihyun to lean into Hoseok’s touch, so he does.

Hoseok’s hand is warm, tender, and unforgettable. Kihyun melts further and lets out a deep breath. Truthfully, Kihyun missed this.

“I missed you, too, Kihyunnie,” whispers Hoseok, softly.

Kihyun’s heart skips a beat when he hears Hoseok’s voice laced with love. It skips two more when Kihyun realizes his hand is still on Hoseok’s chest. The other one holding Hoseok’s chin from kissing earlier.

It’s late, it must be somewhere near 3 am. Yet, Hoseok is here. He’s still here.

_Kihyun looks back to the day they ended their relationship, two days after their graduation. No one was to blame, just Kihyun and his stupid feelings._

_Hoseok was at Kihyun’s apartment, quietly sitting on Kihyun’s couch._

_Kihyun stood before Hoseok. “I don’t think we should go on with this fling anymore. We’ve had a good run, wouldn’t you say?”_

_Hoseok nodded slowly but Kihyun didn't miss the sad expression in the former’s face._

_“Is that what you really think?” Hoseok asked._

_“Yeah,” answered Kihyun, suddenly breathless. “People would think we’re an actual thing if we went on any longer. You know, like some college sweethearts.”_

_At the time, Kihyun worried if Hoseok found out what Kihyun really thought of him. He wasn’t afraid of getting hurt, just afraid of Hoseok’s rejection._

_If anything, Kihyun based his reasoning on future work and not being able to spare much time for anything near romance or lust._

_“You can leave, Hoseok,” Kihyun said, “If you don’t want to be here anymore.”_

_Hoseok looked up at Kihyun and smiled at him as if nothing was wrong at all. The worst part about Hoseok’s smile was that it was loving. Kihyun would be a liar if he dared to say he didn’t feel anything at all._

_Kihyun watched Hoseok stand up and step closer to him, the former had nowhere to go now with Hoseok so close._

_“Can I kiss you one last time before I go?” asked Hoseok, and he sounded so pure and innocent. Hoseok had done nothing wrong at all._

_Kihyun nodded “yes”._

_Hoseok, always so gentle with Kihyun, held Kihyun’s face in his warm hands and leaned downwards to leave one last kiss._

_It went on for 5 seconds, Kihyun counted. He stayed still as well, his arms to his side._

_Kihyun walked Hoseok to the door. Before Hoseok stepped outside, he greeted, “Goodnight, Kihyunnie.”_

_Hoseok’s greeting filled Kihyun’s heart to the brim with love, but that wonderful feeling poured out quicker and left him empty._

_And that was that._

Kihyun wants to apologize to Hoseok so bad. He wants to redo that night all over again.

Here Hoseok is lying beside him face to face and all Kihyun does is stare at the former like an absolute fool.

Kihyun thinks about Hoseok’s sincerity, his loveliness, and his willingness. How this white-haired boy can be so patient with him, Kihyun has a hard time wrapping his head around this happening right now.

Kihyun opens his mouth say something, fighting his exhaustion, but Hoseok shushes him.

“You don’t have to say anymore, it’s okay. Sleep, you’ve stayed up more than your body has allowed you to.”

Now letting his heart thud gently against his chest, Kihyun shakes his head. There will be more to talk about tomorrow, hopefully.

Everything starts to blur as Kihyun’s eyes weigh heavier and heavier with the need to sleep. He never removes his hand from Hoseok’s chest, never letting go of the comforting feeling he receives from Hoseok’s heartbeat.

Before Kihyun does fall straight into sleep, he hears Hoseok say one last thing. He didn’t catch everything, but he does hear the word _love_.

**Author's Note:**

> as always, thank you for reading and please leave a comment (if you'd like) <333


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